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byron katie
June 2009 
Living Complaint Free
Posted on Apr 4th, 2007
by 
Sandra
Sandra
My dear Paul Lowe just sent on the following - and I loved it.
~~~
I have a challenge for you ... Can you live COMPLAINT FREE for 21 days?? (not the weather, our president, the war, bad drivers, coworkers, your mate ... NO complaints)
"A Complaint Free World" is the brainchild of Christ Church Unity Minister, Will Bowen. It started as a program for his congregation and soon it spread ... spread out to the entire world. Seen on Oprah, Good Morning America, and written up in People Magazine, etc.
How Does it Work?
Scientists say it takes 21 days to form a new habit and complaining is habitual for most of us. The bracelet(s) you receive are a powerful tool(s) to remind you of how well you are creating your life with positive intention.
Here are the suggested rules:
1. Begin to wear the bracelet, on either wrist
2. When you catch yourself complaining, gossiping or criticizing (everyone does) move
the bracelet to the other arm and begin again.
3. If you hear someone else who is wearing a bracelet complain, you may point out their need to switch the bracelet to the other arm; BUT if you’re going to do this, you must move your bracelet first!
4. Stay with it. It may take many months ... but when you reach 21 days with no complaints, you will find that your entire life is happier, more loving, more positive and more abundant.
Bracelets are available free from Christ Church Unity
However, ANY kind of bracelet works ... or even a large rubber band.
~~
Paul Lowe has been a great inspiration to me in many areas - noticing when I'm complaining is a big one, the other is when I'm taking things too seriously. So.. I'd like to add this last piece to the above practise, not to take it too seriously - even while following all the 'rules'.
And, the most important thing, for me, is to have support from others. I've often heard dear friends apologise to me for being 'negative' or for complaining, when in fact they are not doing either of these things - they are simply sharing deeply from the heart some painful stuff. We need guides and mirrors to help us differentiate what is 'complaint' and what is authentic expression of something real and actual.
Complaint, to me, always has a funny 'ring' to it.. almost a smell. It affects me in my stomach - if someone is complaining I actually feel a bit sick, or even physically sore, as if a fist is being pushed into my belly.
If someone is simply sharing honestly what is going on for them, I feel my heart reach out, my body soften into listening and appreciation - no matter how 'dark' or difficult what is being shared.
I suspect complaint is largely 'automatic'. We just do it because, well, because we can. We hear it all the time, so, hey, what's wrong with it.
I also suspect complaing covers up much deeper feelings. Complaint is really just drama, the covering for feeling; it's indirect call for support. It can be quite manipulative, it has a 'hooking' energy which demands that whoever you are sharing your complaint with 'agrees' with you. It is a way of offloading uncomfortable feelings - usually onto another person.
If we hold off from saying the automatic words of complaint, my experience is that something else happens.. we become vulnerable, connected to what is really going on for us. Most of us do not want to be vulnerable - and why would we? Much of our past experience, especially as children, was that being vulnerable was literally a dangerous place.
But, for most of us, we are no longer in that place - we do not need to protect ourselves in this way. We are able to 'be there' for ourselves in a way we could not when we were children.
And what a gift vulnerability is, for us all.
And finally, perhaps you need to 'clear the air' before starting the above 21 day practise. I mean, sometimes, life just needs a good growl ( or meow..).
If so, you can go to this fabulous and funny ( although not always meant to be) website, The Complaint Project.
"a forum for the injured, the heartbroken, and the annoyed. We invite you to lodge a complaint and/or read the complaints of others. Working in the fertile ground where art meets life, we at The Complaint Project will discuss each complaint and post an individualized response. You may complain as often as you like and we encourage you to visit often."
They actually DO what they say, and it's a completely for free - not even advertising on their site.
And, one last thing. If life is really getting you down, whether it is your relationship, your job, your self, or whatever, if you wish to make a truly radical shift, the best process I know of is Byron Katie's The Work.
I've done it, and am so deeply grateful. It has affected every aspect of how I am 'with' life - for the positive. You don't need to go to a workshop - all the instructions are there for you on the website.. It's simple, easy, and utterly transformative. (The Work includes space for you to fully complain to the deepest level you can, by the way.)
But there is one caveat: you can't just read about the process. You actually have to do it.
Have fun!
April 5th, 2007 -
I just found this... it's the lovely Eckhart Tolle on The No:
And, the most important thing, for me, is to have support from others. I've often heard dear friends apologise to me for being 'negative' or for complaining, when in fact they are not doing either of these things - they are simply sharing deeply from the heart some painful stuff. We need guides and mirrors to help us differentiate what is 'complaint' and what is authentic expression of something real and actual.
Complaint, to me, always has a funny 'ring' to it.. almost a smell. It affects me in my stomach - if someone is complaining I actually feel a bit sick, or even physically sore, as if a fist is being pushed into my belly.
If someone is simply sharing honestly what is going on for them, I feel my heart reach out, my body soften into listening and appreciation - no matter how 'dark' or difficult what is being shared.
I suspect complaint is largely 'automatic'. We just do it because, well, because we can. We hear it all the time, so, hey, what's wrong with it.
I also suspect complaing covers up much deeper feelings. Complaint is really just drama, the covering for feeling; it's indirect call for support. It can be quite manipulative, it has a 'hooking' energy which demands that whoever you are sharing your complaint with 'agrees' with you. It is a way of offloading uncomfortable feelings - usually onto another person.
If we hold off from saying the automatic words of complaint, my experience is that something else happens.. we become vulnerable, connected to what is really going on for us. Most of us do not want to be vulnerable - and why would we? Much of our past experience, especially as children, was that being vulnerable was literally a dangerous place.
But, for most of us, we are no longer in that place - we do not need to protect ourselves in this way. We are able to 'be there' for ourselves in a way we could not when we were children.
And what a gift vulnerability is, for us all.
And finally, perhaps you need to 'clear the air' before starting the above 21 day practise. I mean, sometimes, life just needs a good growl ( or meow..).
If so, you can go to this fabulous and funny ( although not always meant to be) website, The Complaint Project.
"a forum for the injured, the heartbroken, and the annoyed. We invite you to lodge a complaint and/or read the complaints of others. Working in the fertile ground where art meets life, we at The Complaint Project will discuss each complaint and post an individualized response. You may complain as often as you like and we encourage you to visit often."
They actually DO what they say, and it's a completely for free - not even advertising on their site.
And, one last thing. If life is really getting you down, whether it is your relationship, your job, your self, or whatever, if you wish to make a truly radical shift, the best process I know of is Byron Katie's The Work.
I've done it, and am so deeply grateful. It has affected every aspect of how I am 'with' life - for the positive. You don't need to go to a workshop - all the instructions are there for you on the website.. It's simple, easy, and utterly transformative. (The Work includes space for you to fully complain to the deepest level you can, by the way.)
But there is one caveat: you can't just read about the process. You actually have to do it.
Have fun!
April 5th, 2007 -
I just found this... it's the lovely Eckhart Tolle on The No:
Eckhart Tolle, the NO has a momentum, www.soundstrue.com
Access: PublicTagged with: complaints, complaining. life, difficulty, No, Eckhart Tolle, spirituality, The Work, Byron Katie, Paul Lowe, The Complaint Project, relationships, Will Bowen
Sandra, I love the idea of the Complaint Project. I will stroll over there. Probably good material for writing related projects. Complaining is the coffee of the soul. One cup leads to another and it does have to be two or more in complaining's name. Usually it drifts into character assassination and then you feel sooo much better– and wired. And the Work is simply the best portable inquiry. I carry the four questions scrawled on a slip of paper in my pocket. Reading them seems more grounding for me because the others in my skull can shush my inquiry. Yesterday my oldest son approached me about a conundrum, the typical boy-girl paradox. She seems like she is distancing herself and he says if I move toward her I'll look like… if I stay away she'll think I don't care… He knows what the Work is about so I just handed him the questions . He read them, grinned, looked toward the ceiling, said “right!” and ran away. Thanks Sandra.
Smiling!! Amazing son you have.
I'm wondering what would be the effect if all children were brought up with The Work… hmm.
… just added a little something extra :-)
Yes. Echkart is in my shirt pocket as I leave. Right over my heart. Yes.
Doing a seminar here in Czech (after doing Dynamic Presencing for most of the day) I asked th people yesterday to write down their complaints, “What do you complain about in relationships with others and yourself?”
And so much light came into the room! Seems like a relief to finally be allowed, even asked to complain!
Anyway today we'll be using it to find out what we care about, because a complaint is just an expression - be it a mostly uneffective one - of an implied care or belief. So if we find ourselves complaining it opens up a beautiful gate for transformation - as once we have identified our care-about or belief we might either find more effective means to express it (and thus satisfy it) or ways to transform the care into something else…
Oh, lovely, dear Mushin! Yes, I agree, there is a huge benefit in actually consciously complaining - I suspect part of the painful energy around complaint is that it is held back. And I love how you go even further with it into care. Beautiful, thank you.
——
A dear non-zaadz friend just wrote me this:
“I loved to read your blog on complaint. very much to the point. the most difficult thing for me seems to be with people complaining. to not react, to be lovingly with them AND to stay clear and true also.”
I was delighted he brought this bit up… I know I freeze up and contract when I hear complaint - it's my own 'no' to what is.
And I suspect I would not contract in Mushin's seminar - the 'allowed' space would shift things radically.
Sandra Scores Again! (great post)
“Complaint is really just drama, the covering for feeling; it’s indirect call for support.”
i see this as true… and i don’t get the harm in indirectness really… yet ever since i learned about indirectness i find i have a reaction of sorts when i experience it from others, just another thing to dislike or be against. similar to my fairly new dislike for complaint from others. and with this opinion of indirectness and complaint i have created distance from others who obviously use it often and depend on it.
and personally i find relief in complaint and in seeking support this way… i have done it often enough.
and then sometimes a complaint fest is a lot of fun. try it sometime… 2-5 mins. of total complaining can be so uplifting.
so often i wonder about this: if i don’t seek somone to share what is going on with me that is having a tough time with life, traffic or someone else… then i go into, well then i must do it in myself, i must deal with it within. and in there it (whatever it is) gets pressurized, builds, and causes other problems including depression etc. i find my feeling, my difficulty usually stays inside if i don’t share it somehow with another… and yes sharing in a vulnerable way is preferred yet that is not always the form it is in or comes out… depending on what is going on, how painful, how immediate, how sensitive or deep it is, and then there is what else is going on also…
maybe i just needed to share this… and i think i am looking for an answer from you too. :) i don’t want to give up complaining, i don’t want to give up seeking support and love from the outside and others and i don’t want to give up being free to do what ever i want. wah!
Why on Earth give up negativity, when positivity can’t live without the little bugger?
That whole game - and we love to play, don’t we? - is centered around the sun of ourselves. That’s good and bad news. We all know that. So sometimes we go to unknown spaces - we don’t even know if they’re spaces :::-)))
sometimes complaining makes us laugh and holiness weep.
what a world this is!
Love,
Mushin
I concur Mushin, nice confession. what a frickin world! Just spin the bottle.
hmmm… not sure what to add, what is there to add.. or take away, it's all here isn't it. I'm not against negativity at all, and I suspect we all have a whole slew of stuff we think this word means and my slew may be v. different to yours.
my experience is that whatever it is I'm feeling, if I suppress it it get's all stuck etc and not much fun for anyone least of all me. But it's not always my experience that telling someone my feelings is only way to 'let it out' - for me it seems much simpler (but not easier)…. : just feel it. Actually, telling someone what I'm feeling is often a way for me to get away from it, quick, and I end up a bit like a balloon that's had all the air let out too quickly… rumpled and empty and wondering what I missed.
Yes, whatever we let out - verbally mostly - starts to lead its own life, depending much on those present, and the way they play around with it…
So being picky about what to vent is maybe even a measure of wisdom ;-)
(And off I am to Berlin, and then to England)